May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A different put where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Trump Tower Damascus Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting notice from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down company."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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